do you know what really hurts
when you talk to someone for days
and have the best conversation with them
even small talks
talking to them made my whole day
then one day
they act like you never exist
and you left there trying to figure out
what you did wrong
then you doubt yourself
EVERY fucking time

So... where are you headed now?” Monse timidly answered that we were going to Indianola to search for supplies. Slender slowly withdrew his shotgun from Herson’s mouth and tried to convince us that it had all been overrun by the dead. ”We want to see for ourselves, but thanks anyway,” Ismael said with a frightened look. Suddenly, Slender asked us, seemingly out of context, if we wanted to work for him. After the incident with the shotgun, I already knew that I wanted nothing to do with him or his group.

As I was about to say that we had no need for Slender’s services, he suddenly punched Herson in the face with full force. Ismael panicked and pulled out his weapon, but Ellep remained calm and ignored the situation. I aimed my gun at Slender and whispered to Monse to open the door and run with me into the woods on my signal. Slender looked at me and began laughing. ”What are you going to do, little man, shoot me?” he said mockingly. I gave Monse the signal and we ran into the woods, but Ellep stayed in the car, staring tensely into emptiness.

”Come on, what are you waiting for?” Slender shouted to his men. We ran and ran, but Slender’s men were close behind. After a while, I ran out of breath and collapsed onto the ground. Monse, who was still fit enough, tried to help me up, but I pushed her away and ordered her to run to Sally and keep herself safe. However, she refused to listen to me. ”Monse, please, you have to go,” I said, handing her my pistol. She looked at me one last time and ran away.

I grabbed a thick stick lying on the dirty forest floor and crouched behind a tree, waiting for Slender’s men to run past me. Then, I struck them in the face with the stick. I heard footsteps approaching on the leafy ground and hit the person with the stick in the face as well. He fell to the ground, apparently unconscious. Just as I was about to take his weapon, one of Slender’s men turned the corner and aimed his gun at me. ”Don’t move,” he said, and I raised my hands in the air and turned around. Then, he approached me and hit me with his weapon, knocking me unconscious.

footsteps approaching on the leafy ground and hit the person with the stick in the face as well. He fell to the ground, apparently unconscious. Just as I was about to take his weapon, one of Slender’s men turned the corner and aimed his gun at me. ”Don’t move,” he said, and I raised my hands in the air and turned around. He then approached me and hit me with his weapon, knocking me unconscious.

Who am I, who was I, who will I be? I was knocked out, but I could still hold my funeral speech in my head, I felt dead, dead like a gazelle without legs, dead like the right to be who we want to be, dead like we all if no one comes to save us. It’s only been one day and we’re already being attacked by our own kind. What will they do with me? Will I die, be enslaved, or used as a punching bag? I don’t know, but I hope Farah won’t be too sad if it happens. Oh God, please give me your help, give me strength, and please protect Farah.

Monse ran through the forest, running as fast as she could. Even though no one had been following her for five minutes, she kept running with a pain in her side. From a distance, she saw Sally’s farm and picked up her pace. ”SALLY...SALLY,” Monse shouted from the edge of the forest. When she arrived, Sally wasn’t there, and Monse searched the farm, but no one was there. She screamed into the air, but there was no sign of life until she heard footsteps on the leafy forest ground. It was Javi, one of the survivors. ”Javi, where are the others?” Monse asked urgently. ”They’re still in the forest,” Javi said, asking why she wanted to know. She told Javi everything that had happened, and they both ran back into the forest to Sally and the others.

”I’ve always felt like a nobody, even before everything started. At just 19, my parents were deported, and I had to live with a relative in Mississippi. I had to work full-time since I turned 18, barely having any time for myself. Taking care of Farah, my younger sister, consumed my entire life. I never had friends or experienced the feeling of love. And as if that weren’t enough, a war broke out in my homeland, and I’m certain my parents are no longer alive. So what’s the problem? Why can’t I just die? My name is Ismail Al Sharabi, and I long for deliverance.”

Monse and Javi ran towards Sally and the others in the woods. ”Monse, are you back already?” asked Sally. Monse told Sally that Ismael and the others had been attacked. Sally instinctively asked if Monse was okay. Without answering, Monse grabbed Sally’s hand and tried to pull her towards the farm to drive to Ismael. ”Monse, what are you doing?” asked Sally. ”We’re looking for Ismael,” replied Monse.

Javi went up to Monse and removed her hand from Sally’s. ”Javi, what are you doing?” asked Monse, confused. Javi explained that it was too risky, but Monse put her hands over her ears so she wouldn’t have to hear him. Sally grabbed Monse and pulled her hands away from her ears. ”I’m sorry, Monse, but it’s too dangerous,” said Javi. There were seconds of silence, filled with disappointment.

”What if it was Sucre,” Monse yelled. Sucre was Javi’s son who lived in Massachusetts with his mother. Javi stayed silent until he angrily pointed his finger at Monse’s face. ”Don’t you dare say his name,” Javi replied furiously. Monse answered with a simple, mean, ”Make me.” There were a few seconds of silence until a voice was heard in the distance. It was Farah, asking if she could eat the black berries. Everyone looked at Farah from a distance. No one said anything, as they all thought about how Ismael was Farah’s only family. Ellep and Herson didn’t matter to Sally, but she changed her mind and looked at Monse. ”Come on, let’s go get that idiot back,” Sally said.

Ismael awoke to find himself on a cold, dirty floor with his left hand shackled to a pipe. He saw Ellep and Herson, also bound and unconscious, and desperately tried to wake them up. Ellep was already awake, frantically trying to break free from the handcuffs, but without success. What had he expected, really?

”Where are we?” Ismael cried out in despair.

”In a slaughterhouse,” Ellep replied, gesturing to the blood and animal remains scattered all around them.

Herson woke up and immediately began screaming, pulling at his handcuffs and even trying to bite through them.

”Calm down, it’s no use,” said Ellep hopelessly to Herson.

I told Ellep not to think like that, but he argued with me, trying to convince me that there was no way out. I ignored him and tried to think of a way to escape.

”My hand hurts like hell,” Herson complained, to which Ellep replied provocatively, ”If you hadn’t pulled on the handcuffs like a maniac, your hand would be better off than your brain.”

A heated argument broke out between Ellep and Herson, with them hurling insults at each other while I continued to think. But then Herson said something that gave me a painful idea - ”Shut up Ellep or I’ll shove my thumb down your throat!”

”Thumb,” something clicked in my mind. And right next to Herson lay a blood-stained towel. I asked him to throw it to me and he questioned why. I explained that I had an idea. He threw it to me, and I crumpled it into a ball and put it in my mouth. I closed my eyes, turned my head away, and dislocated my thumb.

Monse, Sally, and Javi sat in Bo’s truck, on their way to find the guys. Sally and Monse sat in the back of the truck while Javi drove. ”Why do you insist on saving Ismael?” Sally asked arrogantly and curiously. ”Because Ismael is Farah’s family,” Monse replied. Sally knew Monse was lying, and Monse knew that Sally knew. ”Do you love him?” Sally asked. Monse stared at the floor of the truck, ignoring Sally. Sally was about to ask again when Javi intervened. ”Sally, I think that’s enough,” Javi said and continued driving. Seconds of silence passed until Monse looked out the window and interrupted the silence with a slightly annoyed tone, ”Yes.”

Ismael screamed in pain, clutching the blood-soaked towel. Ellep and Herson stared at Ismael as if he had committed the most bizarre crime in the world. ”Dude,” Herson and Ellep said simultaneously, their voices filled with shock. I kept the towel in my mouth, locking eyes with Herson and Ellep, and popped my dislocated thumb back into place. I screamed even louder than before. Rising to my feet, I removed the towel from my mouth. Searching the room frantically, I spotted a chair, grabbed it, and placed it beside Ellep.

I climbed onto it, unscrewing the rusted bolts of the pipe. Once I freed Herson, we needed a plan. My idea was to create loud noises to attract Slender’s men and then knock them unconscious. It was our only solution. Ellep and I pretended to still be tied up while Herson hid beside the metal door. We shouted and insulted Slender, hammering against the walls and continuing to scream. ”What the hell are you bastards doing in there?” we heard from behind the door. A man, dressed in black and armed, entered the room, berating us. Herson emerged from behind him and thrust a shard of broken rib into the man’s throat.

He kept stabbing relentlessly until the man’s neck resembled a pot of tomato sauce and squashed spaghetti. Fear gripped us as we looked at Herson’s bloodied face. Herson took the man’s weapon and said, ”Come on, let’s show this old bastard who’s in charge.”

Soft-spoken
Not profane
Another argument I must refrain,

From sharing my thoughts
Calling the shots
Hoping my stance comes clear
And that my respect isn’t seen as mere

Once I step up,
To the conversation
I can already feel the agitation

”I disagree with this”
”I disagree with that”
Could you even hear each other’s perspective?
We’re getting off track!

Combative is the spirit
Being heard is the goal
If you refuse to listen, the purpose is gone as a whole

So I ask you
The one with malice in their eyes,
Why did I even try?

’𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’
The words I could never tell

’𝘈 𝘩𝘶𝘨’
That I couldn’t give you, no matter the day

’𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥’
I wish I had said.

But what’s the point of regretting, now it’s too late

I wished I had wiped your tears
And held you closely, dear
Whispered sweet nothings into your ears
And told you all about my fears.

And I wished you’d hold me
And tell me not to suffer alone,
Hold out your hands,
And pull me from the abyss.

But you left me in the dark, alone
Never even looked back, as I crawled.
I never wanted to hate you, the way I do, trust me,
I never thought I would feel this way about you, I swear.

But here I am hating you more than anything,
Trying to justify my wrongdoings
I know you mean well for me
But I can’t seem to shake these feelings

I know you love me,
But I can’t seem to give the same love back.
I am sorry for being a 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦,
I am sorry for the things I lack.
Forgive me for being an ungrateful brat.

But you know it’s not entirely my fault,
You’re partly to blame too, if not all.
For the things that changed, remain unseen,
I wish I could tell you all the things, I believe.

The things that you couldn’t see,
Or did you just ignore me?

What am I?

What am I to you?

Am I a toy?

Am I a tool?

A satisfactory plaything
From that you like to play.

Or just another 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦

That you wish you could erase.

I let in all too many feelings,
My emotional self, a situation I wish I wasn’t in.

So many things that I should’ve kept unsaid.
So many times I felt like a maniac.
I lost track.

Getting emotional at two in the morning,
Bad habits.

So many feelings,
It feels like a part of me is suffocating.

Growing up, whatever the hell that means.
Feelings I can’t get over.
I thought It’d be a dream.

Why do feelings hit so hard in this life?
Why can’t I get over them in one night?

Too many feelings,
Too many times stuck in the pressure of my head,lying awake in bed.

I don’t know if my friends actually care,
Is this growing up?

I’ve seen better days,
Please, boys stay away, my head is cramped without space.

I feel like I’m stuck,
Work that needs to be done,

But I need to drink something, maybe more oxygen will reach my brain and help me be okay.

Too many feelings,
Keeping up with every one’s selfish dealings.

Tryna be perfect for their expectations.
When they don’t understand, nor do they want to get what I mean when I say I’m doing greatly.

I’m tired of myself.
Of everything ahead.
That I haven’t experienced yet.

I thought I was courageous,
But I’m not brave.

I thought I had strength,
But I don’t feel strong.

I thought I could take on whatever
But feelings contribute to the matter.

All too many feelings.
To be honest, I’m tired of enduring.

There was a role we all played,
It was carnage.
We raised the flag unafraid but
it was damaged.
She sent the fire hurdling and many would suffer,
But the ones who got out alive,
Had no way to recover.
He spoke so highly of her,
Until he witnessed her demise,
And that’s when he drove the blade,
And ended her rise.
What a shame!
Such promise in the years before she blamed the tears on the people who chanted their names.
You are all to blame!!
For the hurt that I feel, the pain that won’t heal and the scars that can’t kill me.
I just wallow in self-depravation.
I land hard on your creation and crumble at the seams.
Your healing hands don’t work no more, they just bleed.
And in the end, there are no winners and the golden throne is freed.
You bow down to the last of us but they will never be like me.
I will always be your queen.

Separate


Heard rumors from people I love the most crazy had to separate myself from people i would kill for heart so cold from giving the wrong people my loyalty forever my brother keeper even know niggas showed me true colors forever walking ina rain long talks with my little bro bout that money forever having still got plenty money in my kitty sorry momma for stealing your perks had to make something shake was tired of not having shit heard niggas talking crazy on my name smiling in my face like everything gravy bitch how this 40 taste empty clips all on ya dome separated myself from the fake created my own lane ain’t nun like these other niggas ima real nigga through it all seen niggas turn bitch when em cuffs got put on em crazy my dawg own blood told on em separated myself for a reason these niggas ain’t real as they claim to be so separation was a must free my dawgs out em cells backwoods filled wit hazes smoking till our eyes blood shot red pain in this blunt separate myself just tryna betta myself chasing bread no cheese no rat feel like frank Matthews might disappear money good looking outta town feeling golden with the word play all in her mouth like toothpaste putting white all in her mouth like Colgate name in my phone no gag put the whole dick in your mouth baby make it disappear let’s get toxic fuck you like I love you she throwing pussy at me but don’t even want it got bitches black Austin powers is we shagging now or later bring your friend with da ass two perks in me for stamina ain’t tryna bust all fast baby put that throat on me before I leave another one lick the balls bitches crazy all I did was keep it real know I broke a couple hearts don’t give a fuck we ain’t married baby a girlfriend won’t stop me from finding my wife had too separate myself from shorty too many red flags ain’t changing into something you want when another bitch gonna love me for me just a poet tryna survive this wicked world shouldn’t be alive right now I’m thankful found my purpose enjoying each day showing you my mind painting in your head tell me see walking ina rain do you see the pain in my eyes tell me do you really feel me don’t lie too me keep it real separated from everything
ain’t lose rhythm just separated myself from everything to get here fuck love but i want real love .




- برينتون نيكولاسي

I got attached and used to.
You. How cruel.

Never thought you’d resent me,
But l’ve accepted reality as it wants to be.

Never thought you’d hate me.
Did you know how much your words got to me?

I never thought I’d take anyone’s opinion so seriously.
But for you, I shed a tear quietly.

What did I do?
Nothing to deserve this.

We were close,
I was always nice to you,
But you’d say bad things about me, without me to your crew.

You couldn’t even take a photo with me on your last day?
Do you regret your way?

You gave me a message on how you don’t talk to me but you’ve loved me.
What stupid profanity?
Who do you think you are to rip me apart so carelessly?

It took me a year to finally say that I deserve better.
To you, my feelings didn’t matter.

If you ever change your mind and decide you wanna be friends,
That you wanna make amends,
Just know it already came to an end.

I waited a year for you to reach out,
But you didn’t do anything, more than about.

Every time, I got a chat request I hoped it would be you.
Insanity and hurt would come when I found out the truth.
Why’d you make me lose?

Its been a year and now I finally know I deserve better.
It’s been a hassle.

Before no matter how hard I tried,
I wanted to be close to you.
My self respect defied.

Don’t you think I liked you too much to think I deserved your brutality?
When you forgot about me.
Acted like my enemy.

I was at least your friend.
Wasn’t I?
Or was that also in my mind?

You changed like that,
It was too fast to properly react.
I really thought we had something worth more than that.
You were the only one who had enough of me to break my heart.

And guess what?
You did.

I should’ve known,
You weren’t the right person to have in my life all along.

It’s over,
If you ever truly change,
I’ll forgive you but I won’t forget.
Because I deserve better.

The girl I once loved
Was the most beautiful of all,
With a radiant smile, and the kindest soul.

The girl I once loved
Had dark brown hair and big doe eyes,
Her soulful voice, her smile so wide.
She was as an angel in human disguise.

She was the person I looked up to,
Someone with whom I’d forever want to be.
We grew up together, a promise of ’forever after’
Shared stories and laughter.

The girl I once loved
Was the most beautiful of all,
With the kindest soul,
And a radiant smile to recall.

To the girl I once loved so dear,
I wish I could convey how much I hold you near.
In my heart, you meant the world to me,
All the things that made you perfect that you couldn’t see.

I wish you could see through my eyes,
Feel what I felt, no disguise.
To the girl I once loved dearly,
I hope to see your smile, sincerely.

To you, my dear love,
With the prettiest smile from above,
My first love, my life,
I hope you’ll smile again in time.

To you, my dear, my life’s treasure,
My love for you, no one can measure.
The world may not understand, but let them be,
Your happiness is everything I need to live.

To you, my dear, so pure,
The girl I still adore,
May you find happiness again.

I drown in sadness, I sink in despair
I drown in sadness, I have no air
I drown in sadness, I lose my sight
I drown in sadness, I have no light

But then you come, you come to me
But then you come, you come to see
But then you come, you pull me up
But then you come, you fill my cup

You lift me up, you give me hope
You lift me up, you give me scope
You lift me up, you make me smile
You lift me up, you make me style

You are my savior, my unexpected friend
You are my savior, my unexpected end
You are my savior, my unexpected joy
You are my savior, my unexpected boy

Is you?

Is you really feeling me
Like you say just hope
You ain’t playing
With my emotions
Just hope you really
Riding is you lying
Is you giving that
Pussy away is you
Really riding is you
All mine is you really
The love of my life
Don’t tell me you
Love me cause I’ll
Believe you never
Had real love before
Please don’t misuse
My heart know I’ve
Done bitches wrong
I deserve love too, ain’t
On games girl wanna
Show you the function
Of my heart, don’t leave
Me in ruins give me all
Of you is you really riding
Baby is, you all mine can
I trust you can we grow
Old together is you really
Riding please leave now if
You ain’t all for me can’t
Be my queen seeking
entertaining from
The village need me a bitch
Who won’t misuse my heart
just want real Love. Is that hard
To ask for tired of these hot girl
Want me ah bitch who ain’t on
Games tell me what you want
From me is you on games girl
Gotta blast not even ready have
This conversation, have a good life
Good riddance, know you happy
that I’m no longer in
Your life do you still think of me seen you
In My stories on insta lately, don’t be clicking my shit talking about rekindling can’t give CPR to a dead situation. All the love is gone. Easy to move on. Yes, the memories are still here but fuck them made new ones,
dial tone all you going get from me
Phone on leave me lone is you really serious baby we threw no more us is you goofy or is stupid or something.

Yours truly
- برينتون نيكولاسي

Double crossed by people I thought loved me crazy thing is I saw the fuck shit didn’t wanna believe it was supposed to hold me down like my spine my fault for thinking everybody loyal like me got bitches on my line who want me for the sex but who gonna cherish me looking for love in a dark place swear it’s only getting worse cause I’m older tired of these hoes want me a real one tired of popping these perks stomach in my back right now cause I’m craving them tens can’t shake the feeling got duck tape on my wounds reopening every wound heart full of pain glad to be a stoic enduring all this pain wondering if God listening cause every time I make that prayer for you to remove all the negativity from my life you expose all the fakes in a matter of seconds shit get deep like watching your friend die in front of your face seen my death in my dreams hope it’s painless hope they don’t cry for me don’t worry I’m not weak won’t go to the park & end it all I’m too alive just know it’s dark again love the rain know I don’t mind the pain it’s all apart of life she a bitch who love slow dancing in the rain
& I’m out here with her asking her the fuck you want from me heart all black like the pavement still in the streets like the lines in the road miss all my brother who up the road still round the same niggas who taught me everything it’s still never  leave my brothers till my heart flat line
Can’t believe my dawg died who .gonna help sis raise them kids
This my heart in these pages pouring my whole heart out won’t lie in these pages promise to get deeper & create something beyond your wildest dreams thank you for
reading.

Yours truly
- برينتون نيكولاس.