Ch. 30

“Semblance”

I find myself staring at the ceiling for hours. Most of the neighboring rooms have finally quieted down, and the soft murmur of night has settled over the inn. I can hear the faint breathing of Devlyn next to me. There are no windows in this room. No moonlight. Darkness swallows everything and I wouldn’t even know for sure Devlyn was here if it weren’t for the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest.

Even after that awkward bath and the strange comfort of finally lying in a bed — though a child’s bed, far too small of anyone — sleep eludes me. Just out of reach. I don’t know why I am surprised. My mind is always racing, never still enough for rest. I take a slow, deliberate breath in and out. My mental door creaks open… then wide, swinging on its hinges.

What do I owe the pleasure, Lady Mihaela? Kiza, the beast, purrs, his voice vibrating through my skull, sending a shiver through my bones.

I grit my teeth. I have questions, Kiza. My words come out as frost, colder than the lingering chill still on my skin.

Kiza? he purrs again, amusement in his tone. You never use my name. And yet, here again, it graces your lips. I feel honored. Please ask away.

What the hell was that earlier? I snap. What the hell is this cold? Did you find a crack? A hole to squeeze through?

I feel a snarl rise in my throat, but I swallow it down. The tension in my jaw tightens, and I pause. Devlyn stirs beside me — just a slight twitch — but the steady rhythm of her breathing continues. She is deep in sleep, and unfortunately, I am not.

Kiza, I say, forcing my voice into a whisper inside my skull. What the hell is going on?

Well…our Kiza's voice slips like honey, smooth and too sweet. Lady Mihaela… You have always been pretty good at keeping me out, haven’t you? Even though I am not sure why, but you have managed it… until now. We have proven that we can work well together. You might not like it, but we share our power, and it has been quite amusing, hasn’t it? Let’s not forget that. I am you, and you are me, but…His words change, grow darker, and so much closer than before. But what happened earlier? He growls through me. That’s what you really want to know, isn’t it?

I shudder at the chill that starts creeping into my limbs once more, my pulse picking up to battle it. What do you mean? I ask, unsure if I want the answer.

Naïve, little bat. His words slither through my thoughts, thick with disdain. It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

I clench my fists, the skin of my palms cracking as if holding back something darker. We are not the same.

Kiza’s growl rumble through me like a sound of distant raging thunder. Nearly two decades of denial… or has it been longer? Either way, it is impressive. But it is not going to last forever. You will break, Lady Mihaela. You will, and when you do, it will be explosive… Careful around that mortal vampire, Kiza purrs velvety. You and I, we are a ticking… You have been warned.

I slam my mental door shut with a violent snap. The action rattles my skull, a dull ache seeping into my temples.

Prick.

Pricks, the lot of them. I am grown. I am not a child anymore. I can handle anything that comes my way. The duties at the castle. Slaying at Mother’s word. Governing my powers and keeping them in check. This beast inside me. The cold. A mortal vampire. Everything. I will take it all on and thrive, with a smile on my face.

Or at least, I will try.

But it is getting harder.

I twist in the bed, the blanket tangling around my legs as if they’re trying to hold me back. I turn my back to Devlyn, not wanting her to see me unravel. I don’t want her to know the storm swirling inside me, the helplessness, the pressure. I don’t want anyone to know.

I press my face into the pillow, smothering the scream building in my chest. I scream into the fabric until all the air is sucked from my lungs. My throat is raw from the force of it, but it is not enough. There is this knot of dread lodged deep in my chest.

I shake my head violently, willing the thoughts away. They don’t stop. They never stop.

Focus. Breathe.

I draw in a deep, shaky breath, trying to steady myself. Remain. Calm. A sharp exhale follows, but it does little to settle the turning in my stomach. There’s no peace in the darkness.

Stop thinking.

I don’t know what is happening to me. Not just with Kiza, or the power I can’t control, but the way my body feels — like I am constantly on the edge of something breaking. Something too big to hold on to. Every time I think I have got a handle on it, I lose my grip. I have been slipping lately, like I am sinking into a shadow that is darker than the one I have known. I don’t know where I end, and where it starts, this… thing.

I roll in bed again, the mattress creaking under my movements. My breath is shaking, every inhale shallow.

I’m breaking.

I curl my knee to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself as if trying to hold the pieces together. But there is no holding it. My body trembles with the effort, the anxiety clawing through me, devouring every part of me.

My powers are slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I feel a warmth wash over me — strange and unexpected, like a comforting blanket in the cold. It settles around my chest, creeping under my skin. Something shifts in the room, close enough to make the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I don’t understand it. It is… different. So aware, yet foreign.

Something stirs by my side, and it feels like it is reaching for me, a presence drawing closer without touching. It is soft, almost like a whisper. No — not a whisper, an understanding.

A presence I can’t explain, but I know it is there. It wraps around me, curling around my limbs and making my heart slow, calming the racing thoughts.

The weight of my own thoughts begins to lift, the world dulling at the edges as sleep beckons me. Slowly, softly, pulling me under. Just rest. Rest, light one. The voice is faint, but the warmth is unmistakable.

I close my eyes, the weight of the world pressing down on my eyelids. Just for a moment, I let it all go. The unease. The anxiety. The fear. The cold.